Warning: I have been Contemplating Life. Again. A recent post by Bess, whose blog I love to read, is the cause this time. Don’t blame her, though. She’s smart and thoughtful, and I thank her.
According to Bloglines, this blog has five subscribers. Just who am I writing for? Them? Myself? The Great Unknown? I am used to writing my personal thoughts for public consumption; all those years in journal class taught me how to trust my heart, dive in, and have faith that I’d be heard. But that was in an intimate setting. I came to know the people who were listening to my words, and I trusted them just as they did me. So who is listening to me now?
Am I writing for those five people and the handful more that stop by here? No, I’d be posting here even if I knew for sure that I was the only reader. This is as good a place as any to write. I started Not Plain Jane because I had knitting things to say, and because knitting is a vital thread in the rest of my world. And it made sense to invite my virtual friends at KR to visit with me, just as I visit them at their blog-houses.
That’s what I like to think, anyway. I don’t tend to share really personal stuff, because none of you know me and I don’t think I could begin to tell you my story (not that it’s dramatic or anything) without driving you away in a miniature drove. I’ll add stuff to put things in context, the same way I would if we were getting to know each other at, say, a knitting group. But dumping the whole pile at your feet? I wouldn’t dream of it.
The whole virtual world is welcome here, but not the real people who matter to me. What is that about? I’ve given my blog address to exactly one person who knows me in real life. I’m not even sure K reads it. I wouldn’t mind if he didn’t, but of course I hope he does. I don’t invite most of the people I know to read my private journal, so why would I invite them here? The difference between the writing I do in my little red leather book and here at the keyboard is becoming clearer. This is not private. This is the opposite of private. It is not, however, the opposite of personal. Everything is personal. The internet is a surprisingly intimate space after all. Weird, huh?
Some people know I have a blog. I tell them that much, but I don’t offer to share it with them. I pretend it is too risky, or something. The insincerity and arrogance of that attitude has just smacked me on the side of the head. “I write a public blog (read by at least five people!), but you aren’t invited to read it.” Who do I think I am, anyway? I’m going to go try and get over myself now.
6 thoughts on “Sometimes I wonder”
Make that six. I don’t use Bloglines. But I read you! (I can proove it, too. Cuz here I am!)I’m the same way, my immediate family knows I have a blog – but even they didn’t know for sometime, and it was a gradual revelation – but work will never know (I’ll change the whole address if they find out) and other “real life” folks don’t really know either…It’s too personal, somehow….
D’oh, I guess for me – I don’t know what Bloglines are.And count me w/Amie as I read you too.How timely that you would mention the issue of friends knowing about your blog – I have told almost no one who is a close pal about the blog. It’s not that I write about them to a huge degree or name them as I use initials. It’s just something I have chosen to keep as a public-private thing but to the general “world” if you get the drift of that.Martha
Well, I’ve told all my face 2 face friends and NONE of them read it. Almost all of them have forgotten I have one. I thought at first I’d post stuff for the classes I teach on it but none of my students read it either.Mama reads it but no one else does. Even BD doesn’t read it when I want him to and leave it up for him to see. sigh. Thank you for the compliment, and I will be delighted to talk – anytime – anywhere – for anybody. Just be sure to tell me to shut up! I might not take a hint so the direct approach is best.
One of your five subscribers here! I don’t have a blog, but I can understand what you mean about the internet vs. real life folks. I often wonder about people recognizing me on KR from real life–and generally break into hives at the thought of it–though I’d be hard-pressed to explain why. They just seem like two very separate worlds to me.
hello from somebody else who reads.. though not subscribes -so is that seven?Dear jane- You’ll never know just who’s life you will touch, don’t stop painting, knitting, writing -I know that I enjoy you. others must as well.
another non-bloglines person. I have told many people who know me in real life that I blog. The truth of the matter is most of my best loved friends live far far away and this is my way of saying “here, keep up on my life if you wish.” None of them comment, ever. But I get the occassional “I read in your blog” email from them when they have something to tell me about their real life. My partner reads me, but then she also reads the 2-3 knitblog people she has learned to love who through me. My mother was reading me. ugh. That was bad.. so I changed blog address. Now she can read me (if she calls me to remind herself of the address) but NONE of it is personal. I keep a private, locked online journal (much like your red journal) that she can never ever see. I don’t mind telling people I blog, but my center is that I knitblog. And there are occasional bits about my life in it. People who really know me know I am just like my knitblog.. just more faceted. People who know me only through knitblog have met me in real life and we have taken friendship to a real level with calling and meeting up and knowing each other in person… they are different sides to the same coin. Thanks for the thoughts to ponder..
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