Slow and steady

Published on by Jane

The last time I posted, a whole month ago, I said that life is full. Here is a little of what it contains…

On a Tuesday at the end of May I was diagnosed with endometrial (uterine) cancer. By Thursday I was sitting in a chair opposite “my” gynecologic oncologist, Dr. Pearl. Ten days later, on June 3rd, he performed surgery, and two days after that I came home to be looked after by my sister Sarah and my wonderful friends and family.

I have Stage III C endometrial cancer, which means that some cancer cells jumped ship and climbed on board a lymph node. I’ll need chemotherapy to chase down and obliterate any other cells that might have escaped. It’s in the works, and I’ll start treatment in about two weeks. This news was really hard to take, but now that I know The Plan, I’m almost anxious to get going. Dr. Pearl and his team — my team — are one of the unexpected blessings of this experience. I’m in very, very good hands.

I’m coping by thinking and looking ahead, but also by being here right now. Here I am, on the brink. What choice do I have but to put one foot in front of the other, carefully, but moving forward nevertheless? I see no way to navigate this except slowly and steadily. I feel strong, not vulnerable. Today, I don’t want to crawl under the covers; last week was a different story. Perhaps that desire will come again, but not now. I’m surrounded by blessings. People love me so. That’s how I will get through these next few months, and that might be what this experience is all about.

My job is waiting for me, but I miss it terribly. How many years have I been complaining about summer at the bookstore, about the crowds and the craziness? It was a bit of a shock to feel so sad about not being there. In a few weeks I’ll be able to return for an hour or two at a time, and then I’ll work my way towards a more regular schedule. Slowly, though. I have a lot on my plate.


Meanwhile, I have good knitting in my lap. The Tuscany shawl is deeply satisfying. It is filled with a kind of power that I’m either giving to it or getting from it — I’m not sure which yet. Perhaps it’s both? I’m knitting that green scarf for Spirit Trail Fiberworks — still, and happily — and there are socks on needles, too, to be picked up from time to time as my ability to concentrate waxes and wanes.

Sweet Annabelle is watching over me, and now that I’m stronger and my sister has gone home to Chicago, I have a steady stream of visitors and callers, all stepping in to help in any way they can. I’m moving slowly, resting often, indulging my whims, and paying close attention to what my healing body has to say.

This month has been filled with tears and worries, but also with lots of laughter. Funny things have been funnier than usual. I like that. It hurts to laugh, but it’s worth it! The thing remains: I have cancer. It’s not a cold. It took surgery, and now chemotherapy, and it will take hard work and patience and love to overcome it. Today, I’m ready. Or willing. Ready is a strange word for what I am. I’m open.

It’s important to me to be honest and open here, but I haven’t shared everything, not by a long shot. I welcome your healing thoughts and prayers, lots of light, more juju to add to what Clara is already bottling, and one more thing — hope. Be hopeful!

I am.

Here are a few links to information on endometrial cancer:

53 thoughts on “Slow and steady”

  2. My mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer in April 2000. I had graduated from undergrad the May before, moved a state away to start a new job, and in short order, I decided I NEEDED to be home. I quit my job, packed up my life (and the cat!), and moved back into my parents’ home. It was very uncharacteristic for me as I am a Planner and this wasn’t in the Plan. When Mom was diagnosed, I knew that there was a reason I felt I had to get home.I am sending you healing thoughts and best wishes in your journey to punch your cancer in the face. And please let the people around you take good care of you… it will make you, and them, feel better.

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  5. Bless your heart. What a trial. And FIE on those cancer cells. You and your team of health builders will be in my prayers. Now I have to make my Crest of the Wave swatch work out so that once it is started for real I can send good thoughts/vibes/love to you with every stitch!Thank you for sharing the news.

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  8. I will continue sending you strength. Your outlook on life is so powerful (to more than just yourself) it is radiating! Your Tuscany looks lovely. I happened to notice your blogoversary is tomorrow, congrats!

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  9. Steady streams of pure love are pouring your way from all corners of the globe, even while you’re knitting or sleeping or chatting with Annabelle about who gets the chair. Thank you for opening up here.

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  10. You are definitely in my thoughts, as well as in the thoughts my little yarn family. You are a gem of a woman and since I can’t do much more than send you healing thoughts, best wishes and yarn, that is what I will do!

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  11. Oh, Jane! *big hugs* Having good family and friends for support makes all the difference, doesn’t it? Your team sounds great, and I think your doctor’s name is auspicious (Pearl – as in Pearl-McPhee or Purl…).You are in my thoughts.

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  12. What a month you’ve had. Everyone says that attitude is a huge part of dealing with cancer and you’ve certainly got the right attitude going. Healing thoughts, prayers and hope headed your way.

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  13. I’m knew to your blog but have enjoyed reading all your past posts. You are in my prayers and I am healing thoughts are being sent your way. It sounds like your attitude towards this is just what is needed. Keep thinking positive and know that many people you don’t even know are rooting for you.

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  14. Can’t believe all the spelling errors and unfinished sentences in my above post. Sorry about that but I’m sure you get the message – we all care about you.

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  18. Look at all the love in the blog-world. I love what Clara says about steady streams of love pouring in from all corners of the globe and Chris’s comment about Dr. Pearl’s name and all the possible meanings. All this positive energy is good juju, which you so deserve.

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  20. so many cyber hugs going out to you!I, too send positive juju, love, chocolate, flowers, yarn, funny cat stories… I’m with Dave in the “whatever it takes” category.thank you for opening up and letting the whole world send you love. You deserve it my friend.Give Annabelle a hug from me.. oh wait – she doesn’t like that (tee hee)

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  21. *Hugs* I’ve been thinking about you. How lucky of you to have the support of so many friends, family, and Annabelle. Sending lots of healing thoughts and light your way.

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  22. I have been wondering where you were, and I figured just overwhelmed by summer crowds. Although we don’t know each other I have read your words and knit your socks and my thoughts are with you. I wish you well one stitch at a time.Diane

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  23. Wow. This has been some month for you! You have a fantastic attitude and using this time to knit is great. You are both giving and getting strength from the Tuscany Shawl. Healing thoughts heading your way…..

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  24. I am so sorry to hear this – what a horrible blow. Your outlook, however , is most inspiring. I have missed seeing you on Ravelry – I look forward to seeing many many more of your beautiful projects.

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  26. You certainly have my love and support. And the loan of my big scary boots and strong legs, in case we can figure out how to corner cancer in an alley and kick the ever-loving crap out of it. You are brave, and brilliant, and loving, and loveable, and one hell of a knitter.

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  27. How I love your postings: for their honesty, for their reflective tone, and for their quiet tenacity. Thank you for your willingness to share this challenging news. Because I check the blog each morning (yours being one of my 3 favorites), I had begun to worry when the month passed without a post. “She said ‘Life is full,'” I reminded myself, but now I am hugely relieved to “hear” your voice again and to be able to participate in prayer for healing.

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  29. Nothing as ugly as cancer could stand to be around around such a beautiful person for very long. I’m glad you have so much love and support to count on, both real and virtual. Add mine to the ever growing mountain.

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  30. I will keep you in my thoughts and wish for healing!I know for me, When the going gets tough, the tough get knitting! just as they tell us to live one day at a time- the meditative nature of knitting, one stitch at a time, you will get through this!big hug.

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  31. I’m a firm believer in the power of prayer, positive thoughts, laughter, love, white light or whatever people believe in that inspires and heals. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this journey.

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  32. Dear Jane, we’ve never met, but I feel that I know you a little through your blog which has been inspirational to me in so many ways. I missed you this past month and was so sorry to read what you have been going through. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. The road is tough, but you can do it! You are a very special person.

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  34. Sweet Jane,As per your usual, hon, you knock me out w/ your honesty, your take on this, all you share, how you are.You know that mucho XOXO is zooming from here & us to you.XOXO

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  38. I am so very sorry for what you are going through – everyone will be standing with you – I’m sending you all my healing thoughts and prayers and will be thinking of you and hoping for your total and speedy recovery…

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  39. Hello Jane-I’m sorry to hear about everything you have been going through – but it sounds like you have alot of people who love you and are watching over you. It takes courage to write about cancer on your blog, but you may give comfort to someone else, and even yourself. Keep taking good care of yourself, and I hope you stay on the road to recovery.Your KR friendCindy

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  40. It seems that there is a steady stream of healing thoughts flowing your way!! Add mine to the tide. Thank you for taking your time to respond to my pattern questions in the last 10 days. If there’s anything a North Fork lavender peddler can do let me know—

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  41. Hugs, love, and healing thoughts and prayers from Illinois. You have a great attitude and spirit, and tons of love from family and friends to help you through this time.

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  45. Jane, I have had ovarian cancer in my uterus and beat it so I have some idea of what you are going through. If you can, visualize everyday the cancer cells leaving your body. You sound very strong but sometimes you will not feel that way…either works. Mary in Cincinnati

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  46. I have always found your knitting and spinning and photographs to be inspiring, but your sharing this news tops them all in the inspiration department. You are a treasure and I will be praying for you and thinking of you, and hope to sit at your feet and watch you spin at another KR retreat. Bright blessings and healing hugs,Marie

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  49. Delurking here to say I’m late to your news, chica, but am sending you all possible healing thoughts, love, light and hope…my good friend Nikki in Canada beat the same exact level of endometrial cancer and has been cancer free now for three years. And she just earned her purple belt in karate…just sayin’… many, many virtual hugs.

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  50. Jane,I am a long time knitter and minutes ago discovered your blog as I hunted for a sock pattern. I’ve made two pairs of socks and now want to expand into a new pattern.My daughter and I started knitting socks about a month ago. She is a new knitter – has taken it up as she needed something to help pass the time as she attends to her 3.5 yr old son, diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor last October. Knitting certainly helps pass the time, stitch by stitch.My grandson has completed his chemo and is almost done with his radiation treatments. Time passes, hope abounds and the needles click.I wish the same for you. And I will make your sock pattern next.Sincerely, Jane (and not so plain either)

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