Bits of life

Published on by Jane

I’ve been reading the wonderful columns by Dana Jennings, who writes about his experience with prostate cancer for the New York Times. His words often — almost always, in fact — move me. Many times I’ve cried because in writing about himself, he’s written my own truth, and some of my own experience. His past couple of columns have been about returning to lifeand recovering.

Recuperation from cancer is mostly physical. I recuperated from surgery and radiation, and I’m still recuperating from chemotherapy. Cells divide, hair grows, strength returns. It’s a process, predictable and expected; not without its ups and downs, but nearly inevitable.

But recovering, that’s a different matter. It’s not simple, not predictable. Every single person who has had cancer has a different recovery experience. And it will go on for a long, long time — you don’t just wake up one day and say, “Well, that’s over and done with; all better now!” You climb, crawl, walk, stumble, until eventually you’re upright, and the road is smoother than it was before.

I’m not on the way to becoming my old self, either. I’m creating a new self from the one who traveled that hard road full of unexpected twists, turns and roadblocks. I’m adding bits of my old life back, little by little. I choose familiar things as I encounter them — a favorite shirt, a visit to the water, a comfortable position in which to fall asleep — and add them to Jane, where they become part of me again. I decide to leave other things by the side of the road — stuff that doesn’t matter, shoes that don’t fit, arguments that can’t be won.

A couple of weeks ago I added a visit with my family. There were hugs and kisses for my little mother, who I hadn’t seen for a long, long time. There were laughter and tears with my sisters, my brother, and their families. My heart filled, and I felt something fall into place. Another bit, reclaimed, making Jane.


My first knitting project of the new year was this Pretty Thing cowl in Bijou Spun Lace Weight Yak. I added one repeat to the pattern and used US 3 needles. It’s more than just a pretty thing — it’s divine. I have Kris to thank for the yarn as well as the exquisite Herend experience (see the photo at the top of the post).

14 thoughts on “Bits of life”

  2. You are so soulful, dear sister. Where others talk all the way around something, you nail it right on the head. I am so happy to be related to you.Welcome back. Again and again, welcome.

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  3. Once again Jane, your words are breathtaking. Your journey: awesome. I've known several people who have come back from a brave battle with cancer and two close friends with a very severe brain injury. Knowing these people before and after their illness/injury they are not the same people that they once were. Who could be? You've faced your greatest fear and conquered it. How could anyone ever be the same, take up their same life ever again? I don't speak from experience, just from observance and affection for those who have been through truly life altering things. In their cases, the recuperation I saw was physical, yes indeed, but mostly mental. I applaud them, and you.We all wonder how we would cope faced with the same. Could I stand the test? I'm uncertain.You go Jane!!!!! You are an inspiration. So beautifully said.XXXXXOOOOOOOO

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  4. you know that the finding a comfortable position to sleep in was the one I went whoo hooo for don't you 😉 I may be a little late tomorrow night – peapod delivery 2-4 and what would you bet it is 4 when they come ….

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  6. Jane, I know exactly what you mean about the recovery. Mine is ten years old this month and I still to this day don't feel that I am completely out of the woods. But I am a survivor now not a victim, and I think that is the biggest change in my recovery.Juliehookwormwww.rjmsworld.blogspot.com

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  9. It may not seem like it to you but watching you from this side is like watching a tree come back to life after a long winter. You see the buds of future growth forming and then the tinest glimpse of leaves. Lynne's right, I do keep wondering how well I would cope under the same conditions.

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  12. I look forward to knowing more and more about the new bits of Jane. 🙂 She's even better than the older version (hard to believe yet patently obvious!!)((hugs))

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  13. Yes, you are on the other side of a great crevass and the terrain seems familiar but is oddly different in ways that you couldn't imagine..clearer, brighter, quieter.

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