Show love

show loveThis is a frustrating week. Poor thing, it can’t help it. I’m trying to give it a little space, stay out of its way, let it go about its business… but I’m stuck with it from beginning to end. I’m having internet troubles at home, and there’s a small knitting problem that has to be worked out—things that will pass, I’m sure.

Part of the problem is that this week has a lot to live up to. It has history, baggage, importance. Five years ago this week I had the surgery that was the beginning of months and months of cancer treatment. At the time, in the moments of that week, I just let go and let the current take me. I put myself in the hands of Dr. Pearl, and of the people who would care for me, and I was glad to let them be in charge.

Time passed, weeks and more weeks, and I got better. One week, early on, I learned I needed chemotherapy. Another week, it was that radiation was necessary, too. There was the week in September when I had to postpone the first chemo, and the week in February when I learned that seven rounds hadn’t been enough and I’d have to keep going. The week in April, when I was finally done, went by in a fog of fatigue and weakness. The first week that I had enough hair to go out without a scarf came in August.

After that the weeks stopped being so distinct. I settled into my new life—work, healing, living. Months began to mark the milestones, like the month that I went from seeing Dr. Pearl every other month to every three. Before I knew it, a year had passed, then two, three. Busy years, with ups and frustrating downs, progress and setbacks.

But in all that time, that week five years ago was still the thing I could see most clearly. It still holds me. It was my starting point, and I look back at it with a mixture of  love and awe. I cherish it. I know it as the time I began to adapt to something horrible and new, and yet also as the time I began to become my true, real, best self.

So, now that I think about it, maybe what this poor frustrating week needs is a little love.

4 thoughts on “Show love

  1. it is lovely that you have the summer ahead and can just relax and do your knitting. Well, and manage the Great White Bale. It sounds totally fascinating!


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